If you're wondering why the game is taking so long, it's basically down to the fact that we just recently decided to completely overhaul the design and make a straight first person shooter out of it instead.
After studying the numbers, it turns out that that is the most lucrative genre nowadays, and who are we to argue with good business interests? Let's milk this teet dry, before hopping on the next money printing train! Who cares if we beat the market to a pulp with bland same-y action clones?
So here it is: the new story revealed!
The plot now revolves around a futuristic space marine, named Cutter Blade, sent on a mission to shot everything that moves. You have undergone years of psycho-chemical conditioning and rigorous training in order to be able to masturbate pure fury out of the nozzle of any weapon on earth! These are desperate times, you see, the Orks are attacking, and the only thing standing between the planet and its imminent destruction – is you.
Also, our online multiplayer component features a soon-to-be-industry-standard "Pay Per Bullet"-micro transaction system™! If you're really accurate with your head shots, you don't have to pay as much as your noob friends. Hell yeah!
Homophobic, racist and gender based slurs all give you discounts to the price. The more you spew –
the less you pay! With a sweet "Sailor Talk"-achievement™ awarded to the most vitriolic tongue on the server!
We will also have an unlockable mode that turns the Orks into zombies or nazis! Or perhaps a spicy combination of the two – the Nazi Zombie! "Coming back from the dead to ethnically cleanse the living!" Man, this game just writes itself! Give us another day or two and we'll be able to cram ninjas and pirates into this bad boy as well!
So what plastic peripheral will be required to play, you ask? The answer is as simple as it is brilliant: every last one! 3D-glasses are a given! The full Rockband™ instrument lineup! A Wiimote™ plus the WiiFit board, used during the aerobics mini-game! A Singstar™ mic (or equivalent headset) used for shouting expletives at opponents! The PlayStation™ Move! And lastly a Kinect™ camera, so you can force your child to pretend getting face-licked by the Nazi Zombies! Cringeworthy moments of fun for the whole family!
Rest assured that the game will end on a hugely unsatisfying cliffhanger, so we can hook you into buying DLC extensions for the rest of your life. It's all part of the experience! Who needs closure when you can be spoon fed irrelevant exposition that "deepens" the "story"?
Are you as excited as we are?! Let's give it up for Cutter Blade!
